A Mad World
by petulantpoet
Summary: A story complete in eight parts.  The lives of Severus, Narcissa and Lucius told within a triangle of love, respect, desperation and loss.  Set within an A/U with canon elements woven throughout.  Set before, during and after the HP book years.
1. Chapter 1

This is a series of short stories I wrote over the course of several years that when put together told the story I wanted to read. We have all read the HP books and we all know the "real" great love of the Professor but I couldn't help myself wondering if perhaps Lily hadn't been his only one true love. The series I ended up with was a pairing between Severus and Narcissa and the complicated lives they were forced to endure and yet some how find some small measure of comfort within the chaos. I tend to write on the side of tragedy and as a rule I refuse to accept happy endings. I also tend to think the Professor would approve. I do hope you take a moment and share the world I created while taking extreme liberty with canon and my own twisted sense of real love and the reality of war. I sincerely hope you enjoy.

S.C.L

_~~Complications~~_

"There would be problems you know- it would just be impossible." Coming from anyone else these words might not have sounded so desperate. But, as it stood the words were not coming from just anyone, they were coming from him. His sad, slow reasoning descended in timber until finally it faded into the still night air around them. Without even meeting his eyes she had known at that very moment that she no longer needed to question his motives. They were very much in fact, genuine.

"There are always problems in every situation; it would be nothing we could not work around if given the opportunity." Her response sounded much more composed and rehearsed, perhaps delivered so flatly and without emotion it had sounded rather clinical. Looking up from the ground she attempted to find his eyes but he had refused to turn his head instead choosing to look at anything else just as long as it wasn't her. Inwardly broken she dropped her chin until tendrils of hair fell protectively across her eyes. One word left her next breath.

"_Please_?"

Again his response revealed more of the man she had chosen and proved once again the validity of the mutual attraction. She didn't know if he looked at her when he spoke- if finally he allowed his eyes to acknowledge her presence but instead she could feel her intense importance to him as he tried yet again to convince her that _they_, would in fact be a grievously undone mistake.

"I would become greedy and want you all of the time and for obvious reasons I could not have you all the time. That would hurt and I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being alone and do not wish to suffer the overwhelming sense of emptiness your eventual absence would leave..."

Instinctively she had tried to shake her head but his next omission stopped her.

"…and don't say you wouldn't leave because you would. Don't insult me. The silver band around your finger might as well be a watch around your wrist. As long as you wear _his_ ring you will always belong on _his_ time. I don't like sharing, I was never any good at it and I stopped trying years ago. I would only have you at the discretion of another man and that quite frankly leaves an awful taste in my mouth."

Nothing he said could be refuted so she didn't bother trying. Instead she acknowledged her loss as if she had always been expecting it to come. Emotionally she had taken nothing with her that night, no expectations, no hope, no nothing really so the actual defeat didn't hurt quite as a deeply as it once might have done. She had tricked him that evening- lured him out of his lair with her words until he had finally relented and allowed himself her company without chaperoning eyes. Perhaps had he taken longer with his arguments or protested the idea with more convincing rationales it would have given her heart enough time to catch up with her ill-fated intentions? However that night rational reasoning had not been her devoted companion- that night had belonged only to desperation.

An uncomfortable pause began to linger and refused to be ignored forcing her yet again to fill the silence. "I only wanted something simple- _something not complicated_. Why on Earth do you have to make things so complicated?"

Surprisingly enough his response had not shocked either of them. "Because you are nothing if not complicated by nature. That is a fact neither of us can escape. Just look around you as here I stand and here _he_ stands between us." Taking her hand into his own he twisted the silver band, his eyes transfixed upon the literal significance in which it held. "Should I say more? Should I point out that you have us all captured and playing out our parts in your own little court of disarray or have I proven my point?"

Her eyes sought his face, as she knew he had not meant to be unkind. It was simply in his nature to state facts and to state them in the most obvious sort of ways. "No, I rather think you've said enough. I suppose I just didn't realize that there had to be more- that we just couldn't carry on and enjoy what we did have."

Again he firmly stated his position, "I've already told you- I'm a greedy man. Sharing in no way makes me feel good."

Her intention had not been to snap at his words but the frustration she felt was beginning to cloud her thoughts. "_And I'm a lonely woman, a __very __lonely woman and I'm tired of being that way. When if ever will this be about how I feel or about what I need?"_ His answer had not come quick enough to dispel her anger so she laid herself completely bare before his eyes. "I feel dead, like nothing what so ever lives inside this body and the only time I feel even the slightest bit alive is when I am with you and all you do is keep me safely pushed away at arms length."

Her words had struck him deeply and it caused actual physical pain when he realized she was as empty as he felt himself but he knew for certain it simply could never be. Somehow he had to make her see this from his perspective, view the situation from his eyes- come to the same eventual conclusion he had. "Then you tell me, what happens when someone falls in love?"

Sharply she retorted, defiance blanketing her words, "_No one said anything about love."_

For the first time that night his face softened as if he was explaining something simple to a particularly dimwitted child. "Some one always falls in love. You will fall in love with me- I'll fall in love with you _or_ …"

"_What then? Finish it Severus…"_ She prompted once he stopped speaking.

"_Or…_or perhaps I've already fallen in love with you and it would hurt too much if you never love me in return."

It was an impossible argument to win and she knew it was time to leave- there just wasn't any point in trying to persuade him a second longer. In actuality he had given her more than she dared hoped to wish for. _He loved her_- he had actually spoken the words aloud and declared himself selfish in his hunger and want for her. After such a confession it was time to accept her defeat and take what little spoils of war that there were and go home. She now knew for certes she was important, rather significant in fact to his world but all she would ever be was an unattainable realization. Dropping her gaze once again her eyes fell directly onto the silver band he was still twisting between his fingers. "Kiss me goodbye then."

Instantly his attention focused upon her face and she could tell he was beginning to formulate another excuse, yet another perfectly crafted reason why she should be denied the intimacy she so desperately craved. Acting against the possibility of refusal she closed the small space between them by placing her palms against his chest and tilting her chin until her mouth hovered a scant breath beneath his own.

Much more so than hearing a request he sensed a great desire, as her words became nothing more than hot breathy pleas against his lips. She then very slowly and deliberately clarified just exactly what it was that she wanted.

"_A proper goodbye kiss_."

For once where she was concerned he discarded his morals and high held convictions and decided if this was all they would ever have then at least they would have a proper farewell. Cupping her face between his hands he drew her closer until his lips fell on top of hers and finally allowed himself a moment of true bliss. It felt as if an actual physical reaction had taken place once he surrendered to his desire and for the briefest moments in time he had felt for lack of a better word, wanted. Perhaps not wanted, perhaps it had been the feeling of being necessary in order to full fill someone's life. Eventually he released his hold and took in her face as she struggled to open her eyes and regain her composure. Desperately he wanted to say something, say anything at all that would make her eventual loss easier to accept but he never found the words. Instead he allowed her the honor, finally giving her the opportunity to turn and walk away first. He watched her hungrily, memorizing every detail until he was sure he could never forget the way she had felt within his arms.

Two words were spoken as she removed her hands from his chest and smoothed away the hair that had fallen across her eyes. Only two words left her lips as she turned into the night and walked away from the only arms that could possibly bring her back to life. She simply refused that this was goodbye and that she might never feel anything ever again and her final words made her point all to clear.

"Goodnight then."

She did not hear his reply or see his face wince as he watched her go. She did not know it took all his courage just to maintain his footing and force his lips shut as his heart pleaded for them to scream her name. She did not know he waited until he could no longer hear her footfalls and could no longer see her shape silhouetted against the street lamps before he finally spoke.

"Goodnight…_Narcissa_."


	2. Chapter 2

~~~~Flinging Arrows~~~~

Even slamming the door shut left her feeling more exposed than she would have liked given her current set of circumstances. She had taken to her room and no force on earth could have pried her from her only sanctuary. Quickly absorbing her surroundings her eyes fell upon the heavy drapes pulled wide flooding the room in daylight. That simply would not do- not today. Crossing the room she reached for the feel of raw silk and did not stop her assault until the heavy fabric fell and drowned the room in blessed darkness. My-oh-my that was much better indeed.

The thoughts running through her head needed to ferment. They needed time to finally settle and give her the opportunity to view them with clear eyes. Daylight would only prologue the process, what she needed was quite and to find her inner stillness- perhaps then her initial perception would alter. All she felt now was angry and once again tossed aside without reason or explanation. All she thought now was one word and it hadn't stopped running through her mind since he had casually dismissed her and treated her as if she had never even mattered in the least.

_**Coward**._

She didn't like him anymore- he was nothing but a trying waste of space and yet she was unable to shake his slight. He had transformed before her eyes and his damage had been inflicted with exacting precision. Nothing other than a sordid twist of fate remained to remind her she had never said goodbye- perhaps it was easier that way. Maybe his sting of casual dismissal would be more easily suffered than she initially thought- perhaps her silence would say the words she would never be given the chance to speak. If nothing else she would remain fixed, sure of her footing and refusing to look back on just anther one of God's own mistakes. Only the four walls were present when she finally spoke the words she needed- the words that would purge the tragedy from day to day existence. Buried deep within the silken tapestry her final litany wove its way around the threads and became bound to secrets she would never otherwise share. There in the stillness of the room she said her goodbye and as was fitting- no one had been there to hear it.


	3. Chapter 3

~~~~A Spinners End~~~~

It never occurred to her to wonder how Cissy knew where he lived; the question had never even become an actual thought- let alone come to life and search through the actual stillness seeking its intended prey. Instinctively it had been her innate appreciation of the absurd that stilled her mind never allowing her lips to say the actual words that would drape the already existing tension between them in velvet scrutiny. Not once had it crossed her mind as they made their way through darkened empty streets- spiraling ever closer toward the spider's lair to question her sister's motives and motivations. Recalling now, seeing things much more clearly within the light of day and neatly placed within perspective- it should have been obvious- but it hadn't been, not even to her.

Perhaps she could assign blame to the extraordinary circumstances, which she had found herself encumbered or perhaps it had been the simple notion of not really wanting to see the actual truth before her eyes. Whatever it had been, whatever reason forced her blind to the real truth of that night had been powerful- it had been magic like no other she had ever seen. Her mind had simply refused to accept for even a moment that her sister knew just precisely where to find him because it was not the first time she had sought him out attempting to flee the bitter arms of night and loneliness.

Effortlessly Cissy had woven them through the dark ally ways, crossing half lit streets only to once again disappear into the waiting almost welcoming shadows. Never once had Cissy paused, not once did she seek her bearings or visually calculate her place among the stars in order to maintain her footing. It should have been observed and remarked upon that she knew her way- that the journey was obviously well chronicled and etched within her mind available without requiring conscious thought or effort-but it hadn't been and never once was a single word spoken. It had been as if the cobblestone beneath Cissy's feet seemed to recognize its mistress and silently championed her quest propelling her forward with certain purpose.

Contemplating that night now made her angry, made her feel foolish and nothing like the cunning witch she knew herself to be. That one night taunted her, mocked her, and reminded her she was not as clever as she once had been- that clearly age and circumstance had taken its toll on her faculties.

Clearly she could see their images within her mind and recall her accusations, her insinuations regarding where his loyalty actually lay and just how little he actually accomplished as proof of such professed devotion. All these memories and ones from years before flooded her consciousness and Bellatrix had once again looked at them, really looked at them and finally saw what she hadn't seen that night.

Snape as always had been stoic in his resolve- as if some how removed from the sufferings of common man, always hovering just beyond the trivialities of everyday. Bella studied the memory of his face searching intently for the precise moment his façade had given way and he willingly conceded once again to call another by the name of Master. She watched, manipulating time to slow so she could fully appreciate the masque falling and forgotten at the sight of her sister's tears- the pleading desperation within her eyes as she fell squarely beneath his feet in a puddle of silken silver sadness. Bella wished to curse herself at the revelation- wanted to tightly shut her eyes and remove the truth that was now so obvious. How wrong she had been in her assumption- that perhaps she had forced his hand- that she had finally out maneuvered the Potions Master- that now she finally held his fate like a child's plaything. That Vow- that simply ridiculous vow had not been necessary in the least- it had been only smoke and mirrors for Bella's own benefit. Sorcery, dark or otherwise had not been required to bind the cold and barren man to her sister's cause- it was obvious now, painfully slapping her across the face with ferocious indignation. It was an answer so simple it pivoted precariously across the blade of Occam's razor with astonishing clarity- the dark man of magic was painfully feverous in his devotion to her sister and it would seem Cissy had become his willingly ensnared aphrodisiac.

This simply, just would not do.


	4. Chapter 4

_Indiscreet Discretion…_

The click of the study door and the subsequent muffled sound of it closing told him that she had arrived, the tables were now turned and he was fairly certain he knew why she was there; she was coming to casually lay blame beneath his feet and watch as he crumbled before her eyes. He was also quite certain she would get her wish- he simply put was no match to her heartbreak. Turning to meet her he watched as she crossed the threshold, her foot steps not making even the slightest noise as she closed the distance between them. The woman before him didn't resemble in any form the great Madame Malfoy the world once knew and revered- this creature was the hallowed shell that remained once a heart had broken so many times it had forgotten how to mend. It was sad to think of how she used to be in such control and now the whole world seemed to hinge entirely on her swings- and it was completely his fault. If only she could see her self the way those of us who knew and loved her best saw her; she would have once been horribly appalled. The great Lady of the Manor was gone, nothing what so ever remained of that woman- the one who had lived well and to great excess. That great Lady was gone and he feared he may never bring her back from the edge of oblivion. That thought alone terrified him more than any other ever could.

_Once he had dared to ask what she feared most in all the world. _

"_A cage" she had answered. That he could understand. _

_She countered him then by asking a question of her own, one he had in no way been prepared to anticipate. "Quid pro quo Severus, now tell me- just what is it that you love most in all the world?"_

_It briefly occurred to him to lie but instead he gave her the truth. _

"_I don't like much in this god damned world Cissa. I don't like the Dark Lord to say the very least and I don't like Saint Albus Dumbledore. I don't like children yet I am a glorified school teacher by profession. I loath noble causes yet I stand and fight for one every moment of my life. I despise our ill fated circumstance however I find myself unable or perhaps unwilling to alter my ways." He paused then to see if she would respond however her silence remained stead fast as if knowing he would continue his litany if she offered only silent stoic resolve._

_More than all the gold in Gringotts he wanted to forever remember her face as he fired his parting volley. Studiously he held her eyes with his gaze as finally he spoke his final words. "I don't like much do I? But know this for certain, what I do like- I love passionately and I like you very much." _

_She __smiled __then, __the __one __she __reserved __only __for __him __and __it had felt good. Perhaps now he could calmly carry on another day, perhaps now he might stand a chance of living to see the end of their collective nightmare after all. _

With that memory in mind he steeled himself against her potential tears and hollowed eyes and told himself no matter what he would allow her to lay blame and point all of the fingers she wanted even if they went straight through his heart. This secret life of indiscreet discretion wasn't usually his sort of thing but then again he could remember a time when Narcissa Malfoy had been '_not __his __sort __of __thing__'_ as well.

However now, so very many years later he found he was protective and possessive of her and to his amazement she absolutely reveled in it. He treated her with great reverence and made love to her like his possession, and she didn't seem to mind in the least. Before him now stood the woman who tugged on him, who kissed him, whose name still beat within his heart but she was also the woman who refused to let him go even when he had demanded she do so. To that very day he still remembered the first time he told her their actions would get them both killed and that it had to stop. The Professor also remembered just how well that had gone for him.

"_We are both being impetuous and becoming careless- this ends now as if it never began. Whatever this was matters to no one, not to me and not to you. Do you understand? It was just a bang- that's all we were; just a bang without blame." He had thought harsh words would push her away and acting as if he was just her kiss and don't tell she would slap his face then turn in anger and walk away forever. How wrong he had been. She had slapped him sure enough but her words told him she would not be leaving quite so easily. _

"_Don't be so vulgar Severus, it doesn't suit you."_

_True to form he responded in kind to the banter that seemed to suit their kinship so very well. "And don't be so pious Narcissa- I know where those lips have been." _

_Unfazed Narcissa threw her next words aimed directly for his very soul. "You think to leave me now- out of concern for my safety? That's what you're telling me. How noble of you Severus… or how cowardly?"_

_Severus was no coward and she knew that and it vexed him beyond belief that she should employ such infantile tactics. The Professor was a soldier and she knew that as well- his life had never been his own. He belonged to a Legion commanded by Fate her self and marched to a cadence dictated by a greater man's ambitions and sense of fair play. How dare she call him coward? How dare she play so dirty? How dare he consider conceding again to the most beautiful face he had ever seen? How dare she bewitch him so? _

_He studied her, watching as she silently crossed the room- each step closing the distance between them. She ended her reserved sojourn once she reached his side and he had thought perhaps to be smacked once again. Bracing for possible impact he had been shocked when instead she reached for his face and pulled him towards her lips. "Only together will we go all the way Severus. Never forget that- only together." She kissed him then, a silent but reverent declaration which announced she had gotten her way once again. As if that had ever been in question? _

_She ended the kiss and punctuated the action with her parting words, sentiments to remind just whom in fact he was dealing with. Untangling her fingers from his hair she released her hold and turned to leave. "We're wounded ghosts, all of us-you, me, even poor Lucius' she had told him, 'de-fanged serpents mourning our former lives and haunting each other but its all we've got so it matters."_

_Mea Culpa. _

And it had, it had mattered a great deal in fact- _sine __qua __non_. That had been two years ago, two very long years in which he had personally witnessed her will to live diminish before his eyes. He was so very dangerous for her and worry constantly ate away at his conscience. He loved her, of that he never once doubted but his love put her in more danger than she need ever be in. The lives they navigated through were dreadful enough without adding fuel to the Dark Lords displeasure and lets not forget to mention her husband- dare he say, his closest friend. An indiscreet discretion with the Madam Malfoy put her at risk and above all he would not gamble her for even the sake of all wizard kind. The greater good could be damned to hell where she was concerned. The world was simply not enough when compared to her.

_The second time he had told her they had to stop he had half expected to be slapped again and had already steadied himself for the blow. However that time she hadn't slapped him, instead she inflicted the maximum damage with only the slightest strike- her silence and her tears. She had cried, silently wept until he relented and wrapped her within his arms- whispering words of comfort and remorse. More than any demon of the underworld her tears terrified him beyond reason. They spoke volumes of perpetual sorrow and stood as tangible testament to her internal torment. Only once in the almost two decades he had known her had he ever seen her cry and that day had been uniquely extraordinary to say the least. _

_Young Mister Malfoy had turned up missing over summer holiday and it had been inevitable she ask the Professor for help. Unable to deny her he did as asked and succinctly regretted the undertaking- he knew what he would find and it would not be a beautiful sight. Realizing he could prove his worth to the mother no other way he set out knowing he would eventually return only to break her heart. _

_Later that night, beneath a star filled sky he finally came across the boy lying broken beneath a canopy of Yews. The Professor saw him, cold and dead with his own eyes and he had been right- there was nothing beautiful about a fallen angel. Not one word ever escaped her mouth as he recounted his tale; instead she sat completely still and cried until her body refused to produce any further tears. For that reason alone it terrified him when she cried, it was not something she did lightly or for effect, it meant quite plainly she was coming undone. _

_Months passed as he waged war with his guilt and called himself a coward for not putting a stop to their entanglement every waking moment of his life and yet he didn't dare risk her tears as they would be his undoing- he simply had to find another way. The next time he made to end them he decided perhaps his casual indifference would serve him best; not answer her owls, refuse to see her alone, create distance forcing a great divide between them. Eventually she would have to give way to reason and sense. Her owls did come and in great abundance but they were all sent straight away without her correspondence being read or responded to in kind. He had been terrified to think the power her words might have and imagined seeing her sorrow scrolled across tear stained parchment. That he could have never survived so he simply ignored her and swallowed his pain until it became a ball of ache buried deep inside his soul. _

Oddly enough it had been her husband that drew them back together that final time. The stench of irony hadn't escaped him then any more than it did now as he currently stood but a few feet away from the woman who completely ruled his world.

_Casually Lucius sat one evening across from him at Spinners End, brandy in hand staring blankly into the hearth seemingly mesmerized by the flames he studied. A low hesitant confession fell from Malfoy and it proved to be Severus's undoing, again. _

"_Narcissa isn't well- she's done something." It was evident Lucius was concerned and that whatever he was dealing with was completely beyond him and that put the Potions Master immediately on edge. _

_Leaning forward he asked the question he wasn't really sure he wanted the answer to. "What has she done Lucius? What has happened to Narcissa?" _

_Without his eyes ever leaving the flames Lucius answered hesitantly; his voice fading into the charged stillness. "She tried; well you see she tried to end her life- thankfully though without success."_

_Masking his face to hide his overwhelming sense of dread he pressed Lucius until finally the other man relented and he told Severus a very sad story indeed. Never once as he spoke did Lucius turn his eyes from the fire. It had been as if the sadness would somehow lesson if Lucius could tell his story to only the flames and not to the man he held responsible for Narcissa's current state. Lucius was no man's fool and Severus Snape knew that. It was obvious to the Professor that the man before him knew without a shadow of a doubt he was confessing just enough to save her- confessing just enough to the man his wife held most dear. Severus had not been certain he could have done the same. _

"_She is home now- she was away for awhile. You may not have known. Not that it really matters that much I suppose." Here the mans voice dripped with evident defeat and it had been at that exact moment he realized Lucius Malfoy if nothing else- loved his wife. It was clear, crystal in fact he suffered the madness with her and would go to any lengths to save her. Narcissa's husband clearly loved her, absolutely adored her and yet he knew she loved another. _

_Severus wasn't exactly sure how he felt about that epiphany. Narcissa's safety was tantamount to him as he would defend her to the death and yet her husband had made no accusations or pulled his wand. The man before him loved his wife- clearly, and yet it was obvious to everyone concerned she quite simply did not love him in return. Just her husbands' love alone would never be enough. She was not happy, so miserable in fact she was willing herself to die. Lucius still fixated upon the flames continued his confession. "She has shut herself away- hasn't left her rooms since her return." More to himself than anyone else he added quietly, "I hadn't realized how much I would miss her." _

_If the man said more Severus did not hear him or perhaps he had and simply refused to comprehend the spoken words. He could think of nothing other than she had almost died and by her own hand but he knew, he knew who was ultimately responsible for that. The guilt and shame of her actions fell squarely upon his shoulders; he carried that banner and wore it well. In every sense of the word he had held her hand as she tipped the devil's brew to her lips. _

_Once Lucius left that night he watched the clock and waited, waited through each agonizing moment until he could safely go and save her from a hell of her own making. He would go to her humble and unassuming but with every intention of raising the dead, unwilling to accept she may have already given up. He would insist she carry on and promise- promise to never tell her good-bye again. Quite simply he would do whatever she asked of him in order to justify his love and prove his worth as that had suddenly become very important for him. His actions had been deplorable- unspeakable even- and had inflicted her pain. It was now up to him to take all that away. His whole world now hinged entirely upon her survival. _

_His sudden unexpected presence within her rooms did not startle her, she didn't step away from the window nor did she reach for her wand instead she merely lowered her eyes and watched as he crossed the room reverently, as if in the presence of another worldly being. Instinctively his hands reached for her face and cradled her features within his palms. Silently he tried to will his sanity inside her mind, hoping he was not to late, hoping she would stop her self imposed exile and refuse to give up and die- hoping beyond hope she would not leave him so thoughtlessly. _

_Not only did he love her beyond what he even knew the word to mean but he was a selfish greedy man and he could not in any way reconcile his world without Narcissa within it. Simply put, she was completely required for him to continue living and that was what he had told her. "You have a little worry and I know it all to well. I am always with you, always inside of you and no one can take that away. Love doesn't end just because we don't see each other. Hear what I am saying to you and remember these words…always."_

"_My life has always been held within your hands and if you leave me you will kill me as sure as any wand ever could. Do not die on me Narcissa for my life is forfeit if you do. Please tell me you understand this." He hoped he had made it very clear in fact that she held his life not only figuratively but quite literally within her grasp. _

_She smiled at him then- the one that reached from the corner of her lips and went all the way to her eyes; the one she reserved for only him. The words that followed told him she in fact understood and was not so far removed from herself as he feared. _

"_I suppose darling… one must always have things to regret." _

_She kissed him then and once again all felt as if it might just stand a chance with being right in the world. He stayed that night, all night and made love to her like an emotionally starved man. Point in fact, he most assuredly was. He had been beyond starving, he was emaciated and the one desire which could fill that void had lain beside him for one glorious night and it had been utter brilliance. For hours he stayed, well through the night holding within his arms the greatest power in the world. He had often speculated but now he new for certain she simply was the reason he chose to carry on. _

_She was still sleeping when he made to leave and internally his mind had warred in regards to the merits of waking her verses silently slipping away. No harm, no foul- so to speak. If he left now they all stood the chance of surviving another day but if he woke her and she asked him to stay- would he be able to tell her …'no'? That one elusive answer was what held him up. He just hadn't been sure he could watch her face as he told her good-bye- knowing he was leaving her to remain behind, surrounded by things he could not protect her from. How on earth could any mortal man be expected to do that; as he was quite certain he could not? How could he not love her, simply put she was his wanton muse. There wasn't a man dead or alive who wouldn't want her. _

_Instead of either option he chose to softly kiss her and whisper words he hoped would find there way home inside her mind and resonate at its very center. _

"_Forfeit without you. Always." He never knew if she heard him but he had sometimes wondered. _

Since that night he had thought a hundred times to leave- thought a hundred ways to say goodbye and died each time he silently attempted to withdraw and remove himself from what he knew as sanctuary. She had become his addiction, brutal fact but fact all the same- so he stayed. He was drawn to her like moth to flame, kin to kindred- always back to her, always back to _Black_.

In the mere seconds it had taken her to cross the study and find his side he remembered all the other times he had tried to push her away as well, all the times he told himself he was doing it because he loved her and that it was the good and true thing to do. But now he knew- _he__knew_ for certain he had been a complete bastard and had done nothing but waste so much of their lives which could have been lived so differently.

Taking in her face he could see she had more than a little worry plaguing her thoughts and more than anything he wanted to share in her sorrow- prove to her somehow he was worth all the misery. She asked nothing of him when she finally paused at his side instead she reached for his arm and grazed her fingers along the length as she passed him by, his gaze never once loosing contact with her stony grey eyes.

Behind him he sensed footfalls and the immediate aroma he always associated with Lucius Malfoy assaulted his faculties and he suddenly understood why she strayed so far from him and that realization wounded deeply. The Manor was obviously not empty that night and the man who could claim the woman he loved had done just such. That had hurt, and it had probably been meant to. _Mea__Culpa._

Casually there were drinks and discussions before the hearth and once again Lucius studied the flames as if this time they held Narcissa's secrets and it was painfully obvious more than anything he just wanted to understand. The Professor well understood that sentiment. Both men loved her for certes, but neither of them would ever truly understand her.

A sudden breeze blown in from the garden stirred the air and brought with it the unmistakable scent of clove as rich perfumed smoke settled around him and immediately he felt his tension release. For hours after they all three sat in silence, the only sound to fill the room came from crackling wood within the hearth and the ticking clock above the mantle forever chipping away at their lives. He had felt content, safe in the knowledge he was surrounded by people just as broken as he felt himself to be- and it had felt good. Lucius would always go back to her; the Potions Master would always go back to her.

Always back to _Black_.

At some point that evening his attention turned intensely upon Lucius- still compelled to study the fire and he saw before him a man clinging to the only life he knew as he watched it being taken silently away. Shifting his eyes his gaze then fell upon Narcissa who sat silently staring intently into the night through the glass panes of her self imposed cage. It had been so sad to see her that way- so far removed from all of them. Only the continual scent of bergamot and clove stood as testament she still drew breath and chose to carry on another day.

What sad pitiful misfits they had been, all three needing to let go of the other but none likely to be the first to sever the ties. He realized then that his love for the both of them was a selfish, dark love that was created out of his own personal need. But, it was love, which could count for something on the karmic scale of love. They had each been lost, and rather than finding themselves they had found someone else who was just as lost as the other. They had all three become lost together.

Sometime before dawn he took his leave pausing long enough for his eyes to fall upon the sleeping form of Lucius Malfoy, his head slightly titled against the cushioned back of his chair. Narcissa was no longer there and had obviously left them to their own devices sometime during the night. Severus tried but could not remember when she left but then again there was a lot he did not remember. Except of course the scotch- he did remember quite a lot of scotch.

Silently he left the study and promptly headed for the ground floor. Not pausing until reaching the main door he reluctantly slipped outside and headed straight for the approaching skyline. As he walked the grounds he reflected upon his great love- his great Lady of the Manor who was silently slipping away into madness. She was in fact no longer the glamorous fatal she once had been as the war had not been kind to those unaccustomed to ugly things. Now he saw her more as a great tragic beauty made only more spectacular by her suffering. She simply was the most radiant creature he had ever seen and the fact she actually loved him was reason enough to keep calm, carry on and chose to die another day. War was not a kind mistress, which was a harsh reality he knew to be completely true. War loved no one and was only after what it could steal and it was proving quite jealous of a once great beauty.

Before taking the final step that would quite literally separate him from her world he turned back to the manor and saw through the etched glass of her rooms the very clear image of Narcissa watching him as he left. He was killing her, slowly but most assuredly killing her. The loss of her son had practically destroyed her. Lucius Malfoy's love was killing her and they both new the war was killing her. Closing his eyes he willed his words to cross the space between them until they found the recesses of her mind.

"Forfeit without you… _always_."

Before sending a response she paused- her words would have to be perfect- they would have to carry great meaning. Slowly she lit a cigarette and took a moment to inhale the clove infused smoke before replying silently back through the fading night.

"I heard you the first time."

Instantaneously he had been relieved and was suddenly immensely pleased with him self. Smirking to no one in particular he turned from the Manor and left through the gilded gates of her self-imposed prison. Narcissa Malfoy was going to be fine, she simply had to be. He refused to accept no less and perhaps- just perhaps if given enough time all might just end up being right with the world.

But if not- he would always and forever go back to _Black_.


	5. Chapter 5

_~~~Letters~~~_

_**~Severus**_~

_Do you know what I remember the most? What I mean to say is what I remember the most vividly about the night in which I fell in love with you. I would tell you but I fear suffering your mockery and given our current distant situation, I think perhaps that might hurt more than just a little. I could tell you, hand to quill then ink to parchment and reveal the power you so precariously held over me and yet now- I hesitate. I am frightened to think you would know how easily you won my heart but what would be even worse is knowing you may never see these words, never read my confession. I think the latter would rather hurt the most. As it stands I am not wearing your recent dismissal so easily it would seem and my appearance is most likely no longer up to society dictates. So for that, I blame you._

_It has become obvious you have decided once again to make decisions for the both of us and I have been left to once again wait out your guilt. I do not doubt you will return to me- 'always back to Black' – as you are so fond of saying but I am growing weary of this game we play. If this were a game of cards I would have already given in and folded; however what we play at is substantially more significant than a mere game of chance therefore I find myself unable to surrender and declare your latest tactic triumphant._

_I will not let you go- I am going to be with you. Together we are amazing- together we're simply blazing. Only together will we go all the way. Together._

_Re-read those words and commit them to memory. I know your name, I know who you are- who you really are. I keep your secrets so close to my heart I no longer know where my own end and yours begin. Some days it's almost too close for comfort and I feel as if I can no longer breathe but I would no more betray your faith in me anymore than you would betray my trust in you. I am hopelessly disturbed by you and seem unable or perhaps unwilling to alter the affliction. My darling we are so deeply ensconced even if given the option of altering the past I would refuse and follow you as far as betrayal. Yes my darling- as far as there._

_I promised you my confession and even now I find I am unable to deny you anything- I spoil you too much just as I did my lost but never forgotten son. I could never deny his whims any more than I could ever deny what you have meant to me all these years. Therefore I shall tell you now, tell you exactly when I knew I loved you and just how easily you stole the heart of the cold Madame Malfoy._

_You may remember or perhaps you don't so if not I would like to turn your memory back to the first meeting I shared with what has become our now current, dare I say brethren. It astounds me even now to think that all I remember of that night is you. Not the distorted sycophants, not the raving fanatics I was surrounded by, but you. Just you and of course the drink you chose that night. See my darling what you did was nothing short of silently scream 'I am my own man despite my current circumstance'. You my love had asked for a scotch. That was impressive- one of the most powerful wizards in all of Britain requesting a muggle spirit. Scotch was a classic- it was sexy, strong, never watered down and simply oozed moral high standing and principals. In every way it mirrored the man that had requested it and I had been completely spell bound. It was scotch, and you had asked for it._

_That was it- that was when I knew I loved you. I asked you before not to mock but now I just hope you are reading my words- your laughter at this point would be optional and not entirely refused as I do miss it so. Anything at all from you would be a blessing at this point however I feel your latest bout of guilt will last some time. As of late you've spent entirely too much time in the company of Lucius and that seems to weigh heavy against the heart you claim to not have. Deny my words all you like but I know you love the man- he was your one friend when the world suddenly forgot you existed. Perhaps you should have been a Hufflepuff after all- loyalty and fair play even to the very end of yourself it would seem._

_For now I am resigned in the knowing you will return and when you do I will forgive this most recent transgression just as I have forgiven all the ones before. You do try my patience so, but then again I suppose that is part of the appeal. Were you a gift freely given you might not be as coveted? I wonder sometimes if you know this and that is perhaps your strategy, but I only wonder these things when I am angry. You forget- I know you. I know why you do what you do- perhaps better than you know yourself._

_Remember what I said. I will not let you go. Together we'll go all the way. Together._

_~ **Your** **Narcissa**~_


	6. Chapter 6

_~~ Flamboyant~~_

Severus sat in the comfort of his study watching through an open window as Narcissa held what could be considered 'court' in the garden. It was perhaps the closest he would ever come to a 'state' experience. From his chair he could clearly see her sitting beneath a canopy of whispering willows; very astute, impeccably dressed and surrounded by the few women she considered her equal. Were he to be honest with him self he would be forced to admit he was secretly fascinated with the ritual and never missed- not one of Narcissa's Tuesday afternoon teas. For whatever absurd reason he always found it necessary to be within his study seated at his desk at a very specific hour on a very specific day in front of what had become his favorite window. Without fail, he never missed, not one…_not __ever._

Perhaps he mused it was simply the pageantry of it all, the delicate movement of hands in play as teacups shifted about the table like well played chess pieces moving across a linen covered battlefield. There was such an understated flamboyance about the world in which Narcissa reigned; more was more but less was so much less. The Tea Ladies lived in a world of excess and he was quite certain none of them would be interested in any sort of intervention. They were the sort of woman who fainted at notions which shocked their sensibilities and yet each was so deliciously powerful in their own delicate way.

For years now he had studied them and still he puzzled over the innate sense of hierarchy shared amongst them all. Each was acutely aware of their social station and each knew exactly where they stood within it. There was such a civility to it all- this way of establishing rank without so much as stating the fact. He had reasoned years of pureblood breeding spoke volumes without ever saying a word. The Professor studied them intently as if watching a play; the thespians hovered just beyond arms reach and yet remained ensconced within a world he could only watch. They were, simply put- so far removed from what he knew he felt as if being a spectator was the best he could hope for.

Once he remembered asking her _'__precisely __what__'_ was discussed during her afternoon tea's and had been shocked when she dismissed him completely out of hand. She hadn't so much as thought it necessary to defend her refusal with words or even stop walking past long enough to acknowledge him. To be honest her casual dismissal had in fact stung but it had been the refusal to answer which had irritated him beyond distraction. Silence was after all a child's ploy and he was no child. He simply refused to play her games. He would force her to answer. Just who did she think she was?

"Plotting world domination, were you dearest?"

Nothing, not one word escaped her lips. Narcissa was after all much finer made. She simply paused just as she was about to cross the threshold of the door to pin her gaze on him and ever so eloquently arch one meticulously sculpted brow. Words hadn't been necessary in the least, that one silent missive spoke volumes. It had told him all he needed to know which ended up being absolutely nothing at all.

_Check_.

As she closed the door behind her he had been forced to accept there were things he simply would never understand as he lived within her world by invitation alone. He had neither pure-blood nor good breeding behind his name and there were innate subtleties which could only be taught by the two. He would in some ways always be a guest, not just within an alien world of social niceties but also within his own home; because it wasn't really his _home_. The manor had a proper surname and it wasn't Snape.

_Check and mate._

Edging forward in his seat he leaned closer to the glass as the unmistakable form of Lucius Malfoy crossed the garden and then paused to address the afternoon tea. For several moments he sat staring, transfixed at the ease in which Lucius held him self and in his relaxed manner of speech. Clearly the man was in his element- after all he had an attentive and captive audience. And, curiously enough- the Professor's wife could be counted among them.

The Potions Master carefully studied the scene before him, watching as Lucius made to leave but paused before doing so as to deliver a private farewell precariously near Narcissa's ear. Severus studied the slight turning of her head as she innately leaned into his words; he watched her smile and nod as Lucius turned to walk away. He saw all these things, categorized each action within his mind but he didn't care- not really and the reason he didn't care was held within Narcissa's embrace. Inside her arms was his salvation, his atonement to all man kind for all the horrid things he had done. The child she held was absolute, concrete proof that some part of him was good and that he had helped in the creation of Narcissa's new great love.

In honesty he didn't really care if Narcissa still loved Lucius and was quite certain part of her always would despite what she argued to the contrary. After all, how could she not? They had suffered the loss of a child, together they had grieved in ways no parent ever should know. Severus simply could not imagine such torment, not now, not since knowing his own. It was understandable they should cling to the other- they were all that was left of a once beautiful boy- only _together_ could they keep his ghostly memory alive.

Severus understood those things; he knew her suffering- lived through her survivor's guilt and would give her the world if only to silence her screams. Narcissa needed Lucius- needed him hovering within her realm of reference. Lucius filled a need no other ever could and it would have been cruel to have denied her such comfort.

There was point in fact _nothing_ the Professor would deny her, not even that. There was no reason he would ever say '_no__'_ and she knew that- and _that_ made him infinitely important. Simply put, Narcissa needed _him_ more, loved _him_ more and that made him feel just the tiniest bit sorry for the wizard who still held the title 'Lord of the Manor' even though he no longer held the title- husband to the 'Lady of the Manor.'

Perhaps Lucius staying on after the divorce had been odd- dare he say unconventional- but every manor needed a Lord and frankly Lucius was very good at lording. It had seemed a natural fit at the time and even the eventual marriage of the former Madame Malfoy to the Hogwarts Potions Master hadn't altered the dynamic in any way; they simply all chose to reside within the same home. Narcissa had celebrated that day in her own way, instead of permanently removing her wedding band given to her by Lucius- she simply moved the ring to her other hand. It was plain to him now just as it was then, she would always see her self centered between them, forever bound to them both.

Granted it was a strange set of circumstance but all the same it was an alliance and that counted for something. Even now, after all these years they still stood together- bound by mutual tragedy and the bizarre fact they had all three survived a war that should have claimed their lives. They quite simply did what they had to do to survive- they carved a way through life the only way that made any sense to them what so ever. The rest of the world could be damned to hell as far as he was concerned but the curious thing was- the rest of the world really didn't seem to care. He still wasn't very clear on the why exactly but for some reason their unique situation was simply accepted and they had been all but left to their own devices.

Severus continued to watch as Lucius made to leave the grounds and did not turn his attention away until he could no longer see his retreating form. Shifting his gaze his eyes fell once again upon the woman he would always need and the child he never knew he wanted until of course she had asked. He had responded to her in typical fashion, as per usual he had been unable to tell her 'no' despite the thought of parenthood had never once _ever_ crossed his mind. Even now it seemed irrational, the thought of him as a father. Never once in his life did he think he would ever have a child of his own. But now, seeing the world as he did he knew he would change nothing, not one awful moment of his life as it eventually gave him something he never thought to truly understand. It gave him hope. The Professor was finally a content man- a man who had waited his whole life for a small piece of happiness to call his very own. And now…now he possessed it and his contentment had a name. _Ariadne_.

Eventually Severus turned from his study window content for once with his place within the world and mentally accepted only a fool would ask for more. A wise man knew when to concede to a truce. Crossing the library he left and with no particular destination in mind he climbed the main stairs and continued to wander the halls until he finally found himself paused before the warded door to the room Narcissa kept as her own. It was her 'private' chamber, a space filled with all the things she loved most in the world and it was hers and hers alone. That had been made all to clear- his presence or any other was strictly forbidden.

She had explained to him as if she had been speaking to a particularly dim child and made it clear there were some things she simply could not bring herself to share and her 'private room' was one of them. Of course he had not argued- it was simply another concession made in the name of her well being. Narcissa told him that a woman had secrets which a man had no business knowing and that included her husband- _past __and __present_. At least then he knew he was not the only man forbidden to know all her secrets and had found some small measure of cold comfort in that.

She then reached up and kissed him, sealing there unspoken bargain. Before turning to leave she smiled and it was the one he coveted the most- the smile only she ever gave to him. In no way could he resist those lips lifting towards the corners of her gray eyes. It was a moment of Narcissa which she reserved specifically for him and he had been helpless to fight against her. That smile had been his undoing- _again_.

Standing outside her room now, staring intently at the barrier which kept Narcissa's secrets safe he knew for certes he would not be able to resist the temptation. Eventually curiosity won him over and ever quietly he pulled his wand and lowered her wards. Glancing in either direction down the hall one final time he turned the handle and entered her sanctuary. Merlin help him should she find him out now. Dear Narcissa would think nothing of murder at the manor this night but the chance of knowing something of her which he did not already know was more than incentive enough to force him through the door. _Better __the __devil __one __knows __after __all._

He was momentarily startled as he crossed the threshold and realized he was surrounded by the faces of those she held most dear and most beloved in all her world. Interwoven across the architecture of the room were dozens of portraits- each capturing a face he immediately recognized. A young fair haired boy dressed in Slytherin Prefect robes hung above the mantle surrounded on either side by visions of Ariadne, Lucius and even poor Bellatrix as a young girl before the confines of Azkaban had driven her mad.

Perhaps it has been his own likeness that has startled him so- as he hadn't anticipated that at all. Directly before him was a vision of himself and within his arms their sleeping child lay quite content. It wasn't the shear number of pictures which had shocked him so, he had expected of course to see the faces of her children within her sanctuary but it was the fact they were not charmed which had unhinged him so. The portraits were not from this world, they had been commissioned from beyond Narcissa's very own realm of comfort. The portraits did not move- they had obviously been painted by a muggle's hand.

Crossing the room his attention was drawn to her desk which was littered with parchment and empty ink wells. Stopping to run his hand across the surface he picked up a broken quill only to find himself unable to put it back where he had found it. The condition of disarray spoke volumes of untold hours she had certainly spent attempting to purge demons from within her mind and call their names aloud. He sharply remembered once telling her how he hated to witness her suffering and just as keenly, if not reluctantly recalled her response.

"_I'm always suffering my dear- it is a part of this little charade."_

How he adored that women so. Leaving her desk he wandered the room stopping briefly upon occasion to closely examine the trinkets she kept to help her remember the treasured moments of her life. There were so many littering the room, tiny tangible fragments of time she could gaze upon and draw some small measure of cold comfort. He finally ended his sojourn and came to rest before the window which over looked the garden. Pulling the tapestries aside he could see her below, sitting surrounded by vibrant blooms watching as their daughter chased gnomes through shrouds of ivy. Slowly he allowed the veil to drop and looked once more about the room, her room…_her__sanctuary_. Glancing at his portrait for a final time he crossed the floor and fled to a sanctuary all his own.

As he opened the doors which lead to the garden he took a moment to inhale their sight, to forever commit to memory their faces as they watched him cross the garden and come to sit by Narcissa's side. It was his wife's smile that soothed him so, the way the light always reflected against her skin as if she were made from star dust and he simply lived to forever let her shine. Narcissa was magic and it wasn't the sort of magic he ever thought to believe or have faith in.

"Hello there my darling".

Secretly he loved it when she called him 'darling', but he would die and come back a Gryffindor before he would ever, ever admit it. Each night he prayed silently she would never see his short comings and would therefore never leave him behind. Narcissa was after all the only star within his sky and were she to ever find another galaxy with more room to fly he asked each night she would at least leave him star dust to remember her by.


	7. Chapter 7

~~~Come Undone~~~

They say at the end she'd gone quite mad, going so far as to call for a priest before finally sealing her chamber doors refusing entry to everyone- including even myself. Even now I can remember standing beneath her window watching from the grounds as she drew the curtains refusing to allow even the slightest hint of light to penetrate her tomb. To this day whispers still tell of a time when the Lady of the Manor, consumed with sadness, locked her self away from the world and even the heavens had wept at her sorrow. It was rumored she willed the skies to gray and across the landscape the continual rains etched rushing streams over the moors. Rolling thunder had littered the sky as if to herald her surrender and dark heavy clouds stretched as far as the eye could see. It had been as if we all had to share her suffering, as if we all had to come undone just as she had.

Not until his body was buried did she leave her room and only then it was to say a very private goodbye to a man who had been the only hero she had ever known- the only man who had paid the asking price for all their lives. No one had been foolish enough to argue when Mother insisted he was to be buried within her sight and he was laid to eventual rest surrounded by the blooms of her garden. It had been hoped for by all and prayed for by some, that with the last handful of dirt thrown to cover his casket the rains would stop and Mother Earth would finally cease its mutual mourning. However, that eventually proved to not be the catalyst which reminded Fate some of us still lived and had to continue on.

Standing in absolute stillness I cautiously watched as she approached his grave and it had been an actual testament to her madness that she had not sensed my presence. Mother had been draped entirely in black- her face shrouded beneath a veil that left only the ends of her silver stands visible. Her walk had not been with her usual graceful step but rather it seemed as if she struggled to just make contact with the ground beneath her feet. At that moment I had been sure if I had seen her face she would have looked nothing of the mother that I remembered. That day I had been certain, nothing what so ever remained of the woman who had once lived to excess and lived well. In absolute reverence she stood above her hero and cast her silent mourning though the damp earth willing it to find the remains of a great man's soul. As quietly as she had appeared she just as silently and suddenly turned and for the final time walked away from the only man she would ever honor. I had been left alone and all that remained of her ghostly presence was a handful of silver roses lain across the stone where my father's named was scrolled.

Years later I would realize that had been the day she sealed the doors and drew the curtains for one final time refusing even me as I begged entry yet again. That had also been the day she summoned a priest and we had known then she was completely gone and nothing could be done to bring her back from an oblivion of her own making. Mother's eventual sacrifice that day- _that __one __awful __day_- finally brought an end to the perpetual night and lifted the dark web that covered the tapestries of our lives with sadness.

It happened so quickly, all with in a blink of an eye as instinct told my Uncle Lucius what she had finally done. Fleeing the library he left me alone with out so much as a word and ran-rushing up the stairs as if he had suddenly become bewitched by my mother's madness as well. It was then when I turned my head, seeking what he had seen that made him loose his senses that I understood. Moving without thought I turned towards the linen gauze that separated our world from the next and through the glass saw a sliver of light attempting to return to the sky. I did not follow him up the stairs- even to this day I know why. I had never been as strong as Mother, it was that simple. I could never face what he would eventually find.

They say he battled demons and unknown specters as he tore his way though the enchantments that sealed her doors and that he almost died screaming her name into the mahogany. They say the Manor shook against the intrusion and every pane of glass within the house shattered into jagged shards. The say when he finally reached her, she was cold and still and he dropped to his knees cursing the gods above him. They say her name could be heard for days as if embedded within the architecture- as if his now silent pleas could still be heard. They say he locked himself inside her chamber and refused to leave. They say her body was pried from his hands and that he wandered her rooms refusing food or drink for days on end. The say he broke the day he put her in the ground, giving her a place of solitude forever at the side of her hero. They say he was never the same again and that he remained a recluse for the rest of his life- not even I had been able to pull him back into the land of the living. _They_ say a lot of things but just as '_truth __will __out__'_ and from what I can remember as a child, _they_ would be accurate in their telling.

What I know now is much different from what I knew then. Perception is an odd thing- only time and age can change what we think we know as fact. As a child I thought I understood what had happened and what events helped shape all of our destinies but now I realize how wrong I was. I knew then a great man had died just as I know now that a great man died. I knew then his death changed our lives but I had no inclination my mother could not live with his absence. The difference now lay completely with what I knew of my Mother and with what the loss of my father meant for her.

I realized now she could have in no way continued without him at her side. Now I knew- knew for certain she had always loved him, beyond what I even knew the words to mean. He had been her hero; he had paid the asking price more than once when it counted the most and she had simply followed her great love beyond the veil and left us behind with only star dust for remembrance.


	8. Chapter 8

~~~Controlled Bleed~~~

Perhaps it was because she thought she had never been loved that she understood so well the true meaning and great significance the emotion held within the hearts of men. Perhaps it had been the source of all her troubles and pain and yet it had driven her like a fevered madness to find someone she could call her own. Someone within the world who belonged only to her and wanted only her in return above all the others they could have chosen.

He had told her once that 'having is not as pleasing a thing as wanting', but she hadn't completely agreed with that and had told him as much. She had assured him that his sentiments were quite possibly the most foolish thing he had ever said to her. Her reasoning had been that perhaps he hadn't spent his life in the parched desert of loneliness that she had known so well. For if he had- then surely he would have known just how fortunate he was- at least he had been given the choice of an option. It was a mad world indeed when such a beautiful face had lived behind such a sad facade, but it had been her entire world and all she had ever known. It was a truly beautiful chaos, and she had literally over time become quite undone. But it was her madness, one never to be shared and slowly it had become her only refuge within such a cold and uncaring world of unfairness.

Even now as he watched her lying cold and forever silent he could sense her presence, sense a stirring which he could not name. He only knew it and associated it with one word, one word so ingrained he thought to never forget…_Narcissa_. Somewhere deep inside he knew, he had always known he would be forced to live though this horrid day. Not for one moment had he ever thought to outlive the sadness her eventual refusal to live would bring. And now the moment was upon him and for once he was at a complete loss, he had no way to reconcile this particular emotion and come to a conclusion as to how he might continue his life with out her within it, with out her hovering somewhere within his sphere of reference. It was truly a mad world indeed when the rest of the world could look at you, look right completely through you and take no notice of your broken heart or the loss of blood draining your will to live.

It suddenly became apparent to him as familiar faces began to leave, each in turn looking towards his worn out face before fading away that he didn't know where to go, didn't know what to do- that he no longer had anyone left to save. Her absence had created a vacuum and that the possibility of tomorrow no longer seemed to exist. He couldn't imagine there might be a lesson within all this sorrow; all he could feel was the world becoming much smaller and much less significant to him.

For the briefest of moments Lucius considered the possibility of just sitting, just giving up, staying put forever and refusing to even pretend he might ever be alright again; because he wouldn't, not ever- not without her. He was no one without someone to save and her life had mattered more than any other, and now she was gone; and all he wanted was to leave the spinning world behind and follow her beyond this life. His existence seemed so worn out; so pointless and going forever towards nowhere. All he wanted was to hide his head and drown in absolute sorrow, to give up so completely he would become just as lost as she had within her own mad world.

It wasn't hard to say how he felt or even hard to do when he finally resigned him self to sit and decided to never leave the hallowed place; to never leave behind the one life he failed to save- the one life he wanted to save above all others. There was only sadness that remained in his heart and his dreams of dying which were the best he'd ever had.

~~~~finis~~~


End file.
